Friday, March 30, 2012

How to Have a Dehydrated Run

Common running questions people ask include: 'How do you stay hydrated?', or 'How do you fuel for a long run?'  Others ask, 'How do you get faster?' or 'How do you do speedwork?'  Then they realize that I have no idea what I'm talking about so they ask someone else. 

But the #1 question people ask me, consistently, is: 'How do you have a dehydrated run?'  I know this is a very important thing to learn about running.  It's just like some opinions on the fueling thing: it's better to teach your muscles to go without water so when they get water they're sooo happy.  Right?  Right everyone?!

So here's how everyone can learn to be an awesome dehydrated runner like me.  It's super easy.  Just follow these 6 simple steps.  And send me $19.95 plus shipping and handling. 

1) Go to Vegas for the weekend.  Vegas is key to making the dehydrated thing happen.  You can try to recreate the effects of Vegas but it will be difficult.  Make sure that you run during the middle of the day when the sun is high. 

I'm in Vegas - Check.  In all the times I've been to Vegas INCLUDING living there this is the very first picture of me at the famous 'Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas' sign. 
2) Stay up way too late.  Since I normally go to bed at 10pm (after having already fallen asleep on the couch, yes I'm a huge party animal), staying up past midnight counts. 

Staying up until 2am (SO late for this old lady!) playing poker might be a mistake.  Look - there's Molly and I's names up there!  We're famous. 

I had to laugh and take this picture.  This is what the sports book at Excalibur looked like around midnight.  Not going to lie, I was jealous of them.  

3) Drink one too many glasses of champagne.  This is KEY in the whole dehydration thing.  Do not, I repeat DO NOT skip this step. 

 Isn't that the most adorable little tiny bottle of champagne you've ever seen?  We had to buy it.  It was too adorable to leave behind.

4) Stay on  your feet ALL. FREAKING. DAY the day before.  If you want to make it worse, wear Glitter Tom's that give you the worst blister of all time. 

 I walked all over freaking Europe the day before. 

5) Fatigue your muscles by participating in handstand competitions.

I determined myself to be the winner in this handstand competition.  It helped that I could just barely touch the ceiling with my toes.
6) Don't drink water.  Ever.  No matter how thirsty you are, see Step #3 and drink champagne to fulfill your thirst instead.  After all, you don't want to get that Legionella bacteria Luxor had in their water.  Definitely don't bring water on the run either.  That is key. 

Further exhaust yourself in grueling punching- and Thriller-related photo shoots. 

And there you have it!  You too, like me, can be a dehydrated runner and can run 6.2 miles and suffer for every-single-minute of those 54 minutes!  I also sadly ended up using this for my 10k for Running with Spatulas' Virtual Race because other attempts to actually "race" it totally failed.  Yes I'm having some issues with running.

An alternative title for this post should have been The Thirsty Games: May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor.

Ever had a dehydrated run?  Do you have any tips to add to this list that I missed?  Has this ever happened to you?